I came to a realization tonight, that there was a path not taken by me.  And it had nothing to do with uncontrollable forces.  It had to do with me deciding to listen to God, but sometimes I wonder.  I honestly wonder about if I could have become a legitimate actor.  This isn't to say I don't love the work that I do here at the Forge with the drama club, but I wonder what could have been.  If I could have been paid to do something that I love.  It isn't that I won't love working with teens, but I love so many other things as well!  And I can't do them all, or at least I don't think that I can.  It really was an actual struggle for me to give up the possibility of acting being my career.  I mean, I fell in love with it so much in high school.  It is an integral part of me, and it seems like I barely ever use it.  This isn't just a one time thing either, it just tends to pop up more strongly at certain times than others.  For instance, when I went to the FPAC showcase and heard about how classmates and those that are younger than me were doing things in the field, well it just made jealousy rear its ugly head.  And then tonight when I found out that a lot of the actors in the show "glee" are about my age or younger, well it kind of made a bit upset.  Not that I'm saying that that would have been me on there, but I would have had more of shot than being here gives me!  I don't know, maybe I'm just missing some of the things I used to do in high school and some of the missed opportunities there.  Acting I miss you!

     So here I am sitting at my desk at school at 7:30 in the morning after a mile run with the soccer team.  Now I was thinking about this yesterday during the time when I had no soccer, but this return is bittersweet.  Most years I am quite happy with being back on campus and gearing up for a new soccer season and a new semester, but this time it is different.  And the reason why is the fact that I had an internship at an awesome church.  And at the time of my leaving the youth pastor was having some difficulties and struggles.  And the summer went all too fast, it seems almost like it was last week that I began my internship.
     Now, don't get me wrong I am very excited to be back at school where a majority of my good friends are, but it is different this time around, like I said.  There is a tugging now, even more than before, to get out into the field.  Though at the same time there is an apprehension lurking in the background, the same one that's been pulling at me all along.  It says to me, "You're not good enough to be used."  Now before there is any flipping out about those words, I know that it's not true, for God can use anyone whether they are good or bad at their calling.  As Ken Stucker once said, "You will be used by God.  You are either the hammer or the nail, but you will be used.  Moses was used and so was Pharoah; it really sucks to be Pharoah."  So I have no doubt of being used by God, but I think I doubt whether I am good enough.  But really that may be a good thing for it will keep me from trying to do this on my own power as often as I tend to at school.
     So here it is, my last year at school, and I begin with the bittersweet.  I have a feeling that at the end of the year I will find the bittersweet again.  But it will be for different reasons this time around, for it will be the bittersweet of leaving school, to never really return.  That is the price of going out into the new chapter that God has for my life.  God draw me into Your everlasting arms.

Unfortunately I tend to be a fool. I'm sure some of you know this fact about me, maybe some of you don't, but it's true. Just when I feel as if I have things maybe figured out, I learn again how much I don't. God has directed a lot of my life, scratch that, all of my life. I did something tonight that I haven't done in a long time, spoken to a person, via a facebook message, something that God laid on my heart to tell them. I will grant that the message I sent had previous knowledge involved, but this was a message of encouragement, and, at least according to Dr. Dippold, a word of prophecy, that is exhortation. It's something I haven't done in years, and I don't know why I did it tonight, except that I felt I needed to do it. Something broke inside me this early hour in the morning. I wept, in a way that I haven't wept in a long time. But more than that I turned over my feelings of failure, my feelings of self-loathing, my fear of the future, my desire for a wife, my desire for my daddy, my despair, my sense of being lost, and maybe other things that I didn't even realize. I want to be completely surrendered to God, not out of duty or a sense of it being the "Christian" thing to do, but because I love Him. And not that romantic, puppy love that many associate with loving God. No, this is the love that sacrifices everything for the other, and holds nothing back. It is a love that is crazy, the kind that would do anything for it.

But in this I fear for me, because I'm approaching the throne of GOD. I'm not sure we understand what that truly encompasses when we sing and talk about it. We are coming before the CREATOR of all that is seen and unseen. With less than a thought my complete existence can be obliterated. I have to rely on the fact of my continued existence only due to the seeming whim of an all-powerful being. I exist only because of GOD. He will, one day, destroy all this and create anew. HE WILL OBLITERATE IT ALL IN FIRE! God forgive me...........